Each year I do a post just before Christmas reflecting on the year been. I kinda did that in my last post already, but it is my first day on holiday today, so of course my mind is letting everything in because it isn't distracted.

 I've been posting a lot more on social media lately. Since Olive has gotten bigger, I havent posted as much. I used to have something to say on the daily about her or the other kids, and now when I look back at my memories on Facebook, they pop up and give me a good laugh, or good feels. I stopped posting for quite a while but lately theres been a lot of things come up that make me realise how important it is to me.

 My hard drive from my old computer shit itself. I didnt back it up. So I've lost all of the kids photos from when Olive was a baby to about 2 years old. And stupidly, when I deactivated my Facebook all those years back, I deleted all the photos because I had no intention of coming back. But here I am, (surprise, surprise) and have nothing to show for it lol.

Now memories keep popping up, and it isnt just photos that get me. Its comments from people who've passed away. It's comments from friends who I cherish but have drifted away from. And it's definitely, definitely the photos. Photos keep emerging of Dad, in particular, from before he was unwell.

And it is hitting me right in the heart.

To see him well, compared to now, brings it all home. You can't help but compare how he looked two years ago to now. It is actually really interesting how a psychological disease can manifest in a physical way. You can SEE the illness in him now. You can see he is unwell.

We know dementia is going to take our Dad. We don't know when, or how long he has. And the memories are a stark reminder of that fact and of how quickly it is happening. But they are also a reminder of the person he is, and the life he has lived.

 So I've been trying to take more photos and videos to look back on later. And once I started doing it, I realised - I should be doing this with everyone! Not just dad. And not just other people - myself too!
We aren't all going to be here forever, and one day someone is going to look back on those and cherish every single one.

 I've always been someone who likes to be in the moment and not consumed by my phone. Some of the best nights out are when there isnt a single photo! But photos are so precious in years to come. And I want to make more of a concerted effort to document those moments, THESE moments, that mean so much now, and in years to come.

 * * *

 The kids have done incredibly well at school this year, bringing home great marks and wonderful comments on their reports from all of their teachers. It's so hard to believe Olive will be Year 4 next year! It really feels like she just started. I have to really remind myself a lot that she isn't the baby girl I think she is, and she is growing up very quickly into an intelligent and clever young lady. She had her first crush this year and while I won't go into it too much so as not to embarrass her, i will say that ugh! The notes between the two were just adorable.

 Jaxon will be Year 10 next year and if this years results were anything to go by, i think he will do fantastically in preparation for NCEA the following year. I've been very impressed with the school he is at and he is really striving there. He's made a cool bunch of mates and gaining a lot more independence. He's even legal to babysit now! Yuss!

 Meisha has also done wonderfully - she is Year 8 next year, so last year at intermediate before she too will be off to high school. Insane. She has made some really great personal choices this year, which I'm ridiculously proud of her for. She knows her worth, and how she deserves to be respected and treated. It is heart warming to see her take bold steps towards ensuring she receives that treatment from others.

 I have finished my course and while I struggled with the second quarter time wise, I'm proud to say I brought in all A's for every subject. It was a great challenge for me, and that along with starting work has reminded me I am not just a mother and wife. I am my own person, and I am slowly getting to know that person again. It has been quite freeing to be honest, and I am excited to see what next year brings.
And so we are here on Christmas Eve. I have dropped the ball this last few months a fair bit in different areas, but I've been trying my damn best and will continue to do so. I'm off soon to finish my shopping and get everything in order. I am looking forward to spending Christmas Day with my family and Eddie's family. I can't wait to see the kids faces in the morning. It will be our first Christmas without Andrew. It may be our last Christmas with others. And so I will take all the photos, I will record all the videos. And I will continue to remember what Christmas magic is all about - the people and the love.
Merry Christmas everyone. Enjoy the moments x

Its 4.50am and I'm awake. Stupid anxiety is giving me insomnia. Funny how it creeps up on you huh?

 I dont recall a dream, but I woke up thinking of Andrew which set the tears off straight away and now I'm sitting here having a cry at almost 5am.

 For those who dont know, Andrew was my brother in law - Eddie's younger brother. He passed away very suddenly on August 3rd. We were supposed to have a birthday lunch on the Sunday but him and his partner mucked up the day and arrived at my in laws on the Saturday instead. They left that afternoon and he died not long after arriving home.

 He was a fucking top guy. First time I met him was not long after Ed and I started seeing each other. Eddie and his flatmates were having a party and as I arrived, there was this dude walking in in bright purple dress pants. We hit it off quickly and that first night we met, he opened up to me about his very difficult past. We never saw him as much as we should have and ultimately wanted to, but when we did he was always a barrel of laughs. He was a man of little words at times and would just give you a look sending you to fits of laughter coz he could nail a sentence in one look.

 My kids adored their Uncle Andrew. Despite not having kids of his own, he would always arrive at Christmas with gifts for the kids and a good Dad joke or two.

 He was set to marry his (amazing) partner Liana in October in a beautiful little chapel in Minniesdale. Instead, we held part of his funeral there. He is buried in the cemetery behind the chapel overlooking the harbour.

 There is so much more I could say about him, and about the difficult time since his passing, but since it includes lots of other people, it's not my place to publicize so widely. But I will never ever forget him and his cheeky smirk. The way he welcomed me into the family straight away. And the gift he gave me with his passing in friendship/sisterhood with Liana (love you, lady!) X

 ***

 My anxiety is pretty well controlled these days, and for the most part I don't have to face it much. I've overcome a lot of new hurdles for myself this year and I'm actually really proud of myself. Anyone that knows me closely knows that new situations scare the shit out of me. So I've surprised even myself with some of the stuff I've done this latter part of the year! 

With the kids all at school, being a stay at home mum wasnt exactly an actual thing for me anymore. So I wanted to do some things for ME, after almost 14 years of raising my children.

 In July, I decided to do my Level 4 Certificate in Business Administration with Accounting Strands. I was so nervous that I would have no clue what I was doing and that any intelligent brain cells had been obliterated by years of changing nappies.

Turns out, I still got it lol. I got A+ marks for the first quarter and even got 100% on a couple if my assignments. This second quarter wasn't quite as rewarding in that sense because I was time poor, but I still managed passes with an A and B+.

 In September I started a new job. I was offered a position at the YMCA and accepted, and then came up with every excuse under the sun as to why I shouldn't start - the main one being that I was offered a volunteer position at the same time writing people's life stories for Hospice. But I decided instead to go with the paid position and I'm so glad I did.

 I have met some AMAZING people. Some new friends who arent just work colleagues, but awesome people who I value being around. Theres always a good laugh going, and they truly brighten my day. Sup team! Haha.

 So I'm now a working, studying mum. My girls go to after school care or my absolutely amazing family help out. Jax is a back door key kid now and at almost 14 he loves it. My house is constantly a pig sty and I dont even care! For the first time in forever, cleaning is not my priority lol. Eddie and I are totally winging this both working thing and aside from not seeing each other some days, I think we are doing well. Maybe not quite smashing it, but we're getting there haha.

 So amongst all of this mentalness, Olives annual dermatology appointment has rolled around. It's this morning and I am a little nervous. She's gotten a couple of accidental slight sunburns if I'm being honest, and when these appointments roll up i find myself getting quite anxious. Theres never been any suspicious spots in the past, so I shouldn't worry really but then my stupid brain tells me that the good run has gone long enough now and something is bound to pop up. So I'm fighting that inner turmoil of 'she will be fine/this is the one where something will be wrong'. My logical mind knows not to worry unless theres something to worry about but the anticipation tells my anxiety to get worked up. So basically I'll just keep fighting myself till after the appointment.

 She's nervous too. She is getting more self conscious about her wee bod so the idea of getting naked for a doctor she cant remember because she only sees her once a year makes her a bit anxious too. And understandably too! Nobody likes getting nakey for the doctor. But off we will go, fingers crossed nothing sinister pops up. Wish us luck xo