Seeing the New Year In...

Don't live the same year 75 times and call it a life.

- Robin Sharma

It's that time again, when the passing of time farewells one year and welcomes another. It's a time of reflection, and one of projection for what you have achieved and accomplished. A time for resolutions and goal setting, and remembering the moments of the year prior.

I recently said to mum that I couldn't believe it was December already and I felt like I had nothing to "show" for 2022, that I hadn't achieved anything. Mum turned and said, "Kiz, you've raised 3 children on your own. You've held down your job and found a new house. You've grieved your dad and you've helped your children through their grief".

It's easy to think that because you haven't achieved some sort of status on paper or reached the attainment of what you set out to do at the beginning of the year that it means you have failed. But this just isn't so. Every day we live, we learn. And if we are open to these spiritual and emotional learnings we are in fact, attaining life skills that cannot be found any other way. The way I view it, is our difficult times are our lessons presented and we can choose to embrace these lessons so as to grow as people, as souls. The happy times, the easy times, are the chocolate fish you get for participating in and completing the lessons. Life as an adult is rough. Sometimes it feels like lesson after lesson and you don't know when you'll get a break, when the universe will recognise the effort and attention you are putting in. And sometimes you have to reward yourself and choose to smile, laugh and embrace happiness. It doesn't always just happen.

The last few new years I have resolved to not make any resolutions (except for last year when I resolved to learn to do a cartwheel. No, I didn't learn. No, I probably won't. Don't come at me!), and to just BE in the moment and enjoy the time with my people.

The death of my precious Dad 8 weeks ago has made me reevaluate that recent tradition of no resolution. It's a difficult thing, grief. Especially when it is someone so exceptionally special like your parent. You've literally spent your entire life with them in it. You wouldn't be here without them. You wouldn't be you without their teachings, their input, their experience. And then suddenly the world is a different place without them in it. And you have to learn to do life without them, without their love, their energy. I've been through a lot in my life but this has to be the hardest and most painful. I miss him every single day and would give anything for just one more day with my Dad.

So this year I've decided to do things a little different. I'm making this year mine. A year of personal growth and personal achievements. Of putting me first. All while choosing happiness, and learning the lessons presented. I want to be able to get to new years at the end of 2023 and say I've tried my absolute best...consciously. And utterly fucking slayed it.

Because amongst the pain my heart has endured and will for a long time to come, I've been given some amazing gifts this year, and reminded of some I was given a long time ago. I was blessed with the most amazing children, the most incredible and loving family (long time friends included).

So I raise my glass tonight to the special person I've lost this year, my one of a kind Dad, and to new beginnings and blessings...with some amazingly beautiful people by my side ❤️

I wish you all a prosperous and fulfilled 2023. So as my dad would say every new years day, Happy New Years my lovelies 💖 

She returns...

In a world full of stress and turmoil, it can be easy to lose your footing and forget what grounds you. I had somehow forgotten what writing does for me, and it was only the other day I realised I haven't written a post since 2020.
It makes sense really. The world around us has changed immensely since covid came to stay. The controversy and differing opinions have fractured many relationships and changed fundamental dynamics in how we relate with and treat other people. It's been a chaotic time for everyone I think, and I believe the impact the pandemic has had on everybody has been widely underestimated.

I can certainly say it has had a detrimental effect on me personally. And not only because of the controversy over the vaccine (let's just not even go there lol), but because of lockdowns, restrictions, and the rest, it caused a lot of guilt for me which is something I've had to process. The guilt of my 16 year old having to babysit every day because schools were closed but work was open. Guilt that he had to do this while sitting his first year of ncea. Guilt at my 10 year old not getting the best schooling attention because I wasn't here.

The guilt of not being allowed to see dad, and that he might have thought we'd forgotten about him. No matter how hard I tried, I felt like every way I turned there was pressure that I couldn't appease or suppress. It took its toll on me for a while, until a conversation with a friend made me realise that I was doing my utter best, and that the environmental influences, as such, were not something I could actually change. Sometimes The Best isn't at the standard you'd like it to be, but thats not to say you aren't doing Your Best. Stumbling upon this realisation has been imperative to me and reevaluating my standards for myself.

The world is not a kind place a lot of the time, but I truly believe everyone needs to remember that people are just trying and sometimes that might not be what you think is at a high enough standard when it fact they are at capacity. It is so important to treat people with kindness.

***

Olive recently had her annual check up with the pediatric dermatologist. It went fantastic. Though she was shy, she obligingly let the doctor check her whole nevus (this involves near full nudity) and let her check a couple of questionable spots. I know I've said it before but I'll say it every time - her dermatologist is amazing. She takes the time to update me on new research regarding CMN and always approaches decisions regarding Olives care with me as an equal, not a patient. I think a lot of people may not appreciate this approach, but Diana has always respected the fact that I am knowledgeable and interested in the condition as a whole not just as Olives mum. Her interactions with me always give me a newfound respect for her.

The upshot of the visit was that Olive is boring lol. There are no areas of concern and we are to be seen again in a year, which is also likely when she will start seeing the orthopedic doctors again to keep an eye on her scoliosis. The transition from Olive being a baby and viewed as somewhat of a medical anomaly, to now at 10 years old being considered boring is such a pleasing description. My fears when she was young, of a life filled with difficulties and judgements, have melted away over the last few years. She is as normal a child as any others her age - she has a bunch of wonderful friends who have never even questioned her difference, she loves roblox and animals, shes learning to cook, she's still hilarious. Olive loves drawing and writing and is still the little tornado thst whirls through our house leaving cut up paper, noodles, spills and anything else she comes across in her wake.

My girl is a Mama's girl through and through and still sleeps with me most nights. This can cause some anxiety when staying over at other places, but she recently went on school camp and after a trying first night she pushed through and made it the whole 3 nights.
I was super proud of her, but honestly...when am I not? Though I don't consciously think about it every day anymore, it does often enter my mind that that little baby who we were so fiercely protective over is well on her way to holding her own.
This young lady has been an absolute pleasure to watch grow up and though she still drives me nuts, seeing her become the little mini queen she is in her own right, is just the best ❤️