2020 can kiss my ass

 Its Christmas time in the morning!

I wish I felt as excited as the song. But this year is different. This year Christmas is full of Firsts...and probably going to be a Last.

Every year I recap on the year just before Christmas Day, but this time I'm not. Because this year has been fucking hard. It has been full of heartache and hurt, and instead of highlighting those events over, and focusing on the difficulties endured and the loss we anticipate, I've chosen to do this years post on what I am thankful for.

2020 has been a difficult year for most people, and one where a lot of us have had to dig deep and keep on trying.

For myself, I could not have done that without my People. So I want to thank them.

My children - Jaxon, Meisha and Olive. Thank you for being my reason to keep getting out of bed each day. For being a constant source of amusement and keeping our household environment light and fun. You are my world and I am so proud of you all.
Jaxon, thank you for stepping up so much this year. For babysitting, and helping and always giving your old Ma a hug at just the right time.

Kate - this journey through life wouldn't be the same without you 'baby girl'. Thank you for always listening to me vent, never judging, always helping, forever making me laugh, and loving me for exactly who I am. You've been a steady and secure pillar of strength for me since we were teens. Thank you to your babies for always putting a smile on my face with their big loves for Mama Tizzie. Love you all loads xo

Jerry and Jordan - thank you both for being such awesome 'new' friends. I'm so grateful for meeting you both. For listening to my shit all the time, for our carpark chats, for the completely inappropriate laughs, for checking in all the time when things got really tough, for helping me see my worth, for looking out for my kids and for always always offering help if I need it. You are both amazing people and I'm so glad I met you. Love ya guys!

Ala - thank you for all the laughs and keeping me grounded and humble both with my inappropriate humour and with the obstacles I've faced this year. I miss you!

Dani - sometimes someone comes into your life at the exact right time, with exactly what you need. That was you this year Dani, and I am so grateful for our daily catch ups, helping each other through some hugely tough times, and for the belly laughs and jokes that make your Dad cringe. But mostly the free coffee. Love you x

My brothers and sisters and Mum -
I couldn't imagine a more supportive, more annoying, more loving team to have on my side. Thank you for being those people that drop everything when it comes to one another. Thank you for loving and supporting me through my marriage breakup, work difficulties, health issues and everything else this year has thrown at me.

But mostly, thank you for loving our Dad as much as you all do. I couldn't imagine walking this horrible road without each and every one of you by my side ❤

Thank you to my sisters and Mum for ALWAYS stepping in to help with my kids and being my support system as I find my feet as a single mum. You guys are the absolute best xo

Liesl - thank you for reconnecting with me and for taking care of Don as amazingly as you did. Surrounding him with the love that you did as he took his final journey here is immeasurable, and I thank you for doing so ❤
Thank you for your support and love in the recent weeks, I've needed it x

Thank you to everyone who has supported the kids and I this year, in so many ways. None of it has gone unnoticed and it has all helped in ways you probably don't even know.

Merry Christmas errryyy peoples. I hope your day is filled with happiness and love tomorrow 💗 

When it all comes tumbling down...

Isn't it amazing how grief can creep up on you? Not amazing in a good way, amazing as in how sneaky it is, how it can literally be lurking over your shoulder waiting to present itself when you least expect it.

I haven't really felt myself this last week at all. I've been quite down, and when I feel like that I tend to isolate myself quite a bit. A hard conversation with a really good friend the other night made me realise my self esteem is at a big time low point. I've been so busy with work and kids and dad, I don't do anything for me at the moment and the very little spare time I have to myself hasn't been spent wisely.

On Monday, it is a year since my brother in law Andrew passed away. So much has happened since then, yet it feels like just yesterday. All the memories of that week have been coming back and tapping me on the shoulder when I least expect it.

I went to visit a good friend in hospital the other day and after waiting for a park for almost an hour, I tried to go in another entrance instead. I drove in, and had to pass the mortuary as I did. Out of nowhere, my breath caught in my chest and I was on the verge of a panic attack.

The images of seeing Andrew in there the night after he died came pounding back into the forefront of my mind. I had to abort the visit mission after that and I was angry at myself for not being able to control my emotions.

I am a strong woman, ive been through a lot, but I realised yesterday that out of necessity, ive actually just tucked a lot of this stuff away in my mind and not really confronted it. I havent had time or the emotional capacity to deal with it properly.

A couple of weeks after Andrew died, I started a new job. My first job since before Jax - I'd been a stay at home mum for 13 years. On my first day, my anxiety tried to take hold and think of all the excuses I could use to not go through with it. But I fought the beast, and came out trumps - its been one of the best decisions I made and I have made some amazing friends who I value so highly.

Not long after, the issues in my marriage came to a head. In hindsight, they were there for a long time, but circumstances brought them to light and Eddie and I actually had to face the fact that we didn't work together anymore. We decided to separate, and though its been tough getting where we are now, im proud to say we are working together well as separated parents.

Lockdown made everything exceptionally hard. It was only a few weeks after we separated, and the timing was terrible in respect to us both finding our feet. I have to admit, going through a marriage breakup on your own at home with 3 kids who you're trying to protect and keep emotionally well also, is up there with one of the hardest emotional things I've done. Sixteen years with someone is a long time, and to then be faced with 'extenuating circumstances' whilst grieving the end of that will do that to ya though.

Not seeing Dad during that time, and feeling so helpless and powerless, is up there with that too. Lockdown was not kind to my Dad. Because of the cluster at the home he was in, his days were spent confined to his room with very minimal interaction and stimulation. His decline over this time was quite extreme.

Due to the constant dropping of the ball on behalf of that home, we made the difficult decision to move him last week. We hadn't felt this was an option because we knew that a move can cause another huge decline. But after a major fall resulting in serious injuries, it was a choice we had to make.

So far, it turns out this was a blessing in disguise. He is thriving there. The carers are amazing. They actually care for the residents like they are friends or family, and it isn't such a medical setting. Fingers crossed this continues and Dad remains happy.

Music holds a lot of emotion for me. A lot of the time I avoid songs that I associate with Dad in particular because I get so upset. I haven't listened to our wedding songs since Eddie and I split because I was scared they'd get me in the feels.
But last night, I put my headphones in and played the songs. The ones that make me think of Dad, the song I walked up the aisle to. I played the songs we played at Andrews funeral, and all the others ive avoided because of the risk of emotion spilling out. And I cried. I cried and cried and actually let myself grieve all of these people and circumstances.

With the one year anniversary of Andrews death on Monday, I can't help reliving the events that unfolded over this time a year ago. But now that I'm letting everything in, I dont think it's a negative thing, but a necessary thing. To process, and accept. Some hard experiences were felt over the course of that week after he passed, and while planning his funeral, but I am so grateful I got to be part of all of it, for him.

One year on, and in true style of our family, so much has happened. Yet so much will forever be frozen in time - Andrew's cheeky smile, his laugh, his ability to get you laughing with nothing but a raise of the eyebrow at just the right moment. Two bucks, you egg, two bucks ❤

The day my little star was born was one of my most life changing experiences. Anyone I've known for a long time will remember as well, and have read most blog posts and Facebook posts - as well as the reposts every year.
(For anyone new here, here is my first post from 8 years ago: https://oliveandherstory.blogspot.com/2012/07/so-miss-olive-is-3-months-now.html?m=0)

You see, as time passes, it can be easy to get complacent. We have it pretty easy with Olive now, in regards to her nevus. But, as overwhelmingly emotional as it was, I never want to forget how I felt the day we welcomed her into the world. That day, and the early ones to follow, shaped not only our journey with her - but a new path of my own that I am so grateful to that little girl for. When I read my posts from that time 8 years ago, the emotions come flooding back.

Our early days with Olive were marked with hospitals, doctors and a decent level of fear. But they were also surrounded with an enormous amount of love, protectiveness and acceptance.

That tiny (ok, at 8lb15oz she wasn't that tiny!) little person brought forth the absolute best of people, friendships and support, and in a small minority, the worst of humans. Just by being born the way she was. Just by being her.

Today she is no different really. Except my level of involvement in her social interactions regarding her nevus has receded. She holds her own now. She educates her peers, she takes control of a situation and for the most part, steers these interactions in the direction she wants them to go. Which is the direction we always hoped and wished for, and strived to teach her - acceptance. Olive's nevus is just a part of her. It does not define her but is part of what makes her her.

It is now 2 days post birthday for Olive. We are currently in the midst of Level 4 Alert lockdown due to the Covid 19 pandemic. We are not allowed to leave our homes other than for essentials. When the lockdown was announced, i realised Olive's birthday was in that period. My heart ached for her. You see, this wee girl has been planning her birthday party for the last 2-3 months. She's been writing lists, making games, creating invitations. She had her heart set on a party and although I don't do them every year, I agreed once I saw her dedication. As I explained the situation, watching her little eyes well up and her lip quivering as she tried to be brave, my heart sank for her.
"That's ok Mummy, I know it's for the best."

An 8 year old understood and accepted it better than half the douchebag adults out there who haven't taken the rules seriously.

MY 8 year old. Her reaction made me so proud. Although Eddie and I are no longer together, we have built these kids up to be some of the most accepting, compassionate and selfless humans I know. That's definitely got to be one of my greatest achievements in life ❤

So instead, Eddie came over and we had cake and party food, minimal presents, video calls galore, and freedom to spend the day her way. And as a tucked her into bed that night and asked if she had had a good day, she nuzzled down with her blankie, grinned and said, "Mummy, it was the best birthday. I loved it. Thank you!"

And my heart was full once again. X