I haven't really felt myself this last week at all. I've been quite down, and when I feel like that I tend to isolate myself quite a bit. A hard conversation with a really good friend the other night made me realise my self esteem is at a big time low point. I've been so busy with work and kids and dad, I don't do anything for me at the moment and the very little spare time I have to myself hasn't been spent wisely.
On Monday, it is a year since my brother in law Andrew passed away. So much has happened since then, yet it feels like just yesterday. All the memories of that week have been coming back and tapping me on the shoulder when I least expect it.
I went to visit a good friend in hospital the other day and after waiting for a park for almost an hour, I tried to go in another entrance instead. I drove in, and had to pass the mortuary as I did. Out of nowhere, my breath caught in my chest and I was on the verge of a panic attack.
The images of seeing Andrew in there the night after he died came pounding back into the forefront of my mind. I had to abort the visit mission after that and I was angry at myself for not being able to control my emotions.
I am a strong woman, ive been through a lot, but I realised yesterday that out of necessity, ive actually just tucked a lot of this stuff away in my mind and not really confronted it. I havent had time or the emotional capacity to deal with it properly.
A couple of weeks after Andrew died, I started a new job. My first job since before Jax - I'd been a stay at home mum for 13 years. On my first day, my anxiety tried to take hold and think of all the excuses I could use to not go through with it. But I fought the beast, and came out trumps - its been one of the best decisions I made and I have made some amazing friends who I value so highly.
Not long after, the issues in my marriage came to a head. In hindsight, they were there for a long time, but circumstances brought them to light and Eddie and I actually had to face the fact that we didn't work together anymore. We decided to separate, and though its been tough getting where we are now, im proud to say we are working together well as separated parents.
Lockdown made everything exceptionally hard. It was only a few weeks after we separated, and the timing was terrible in respect to us both finding our feet. I have to admit, going through a marriage breakup on your own at home with 3 kids who you're trying to protect and keep emotionally well also, is up there with one of the hardest emotional things I've done. Sixteen years with someone is a long time, and to then be faced with 'extenuating circumstances' whilst grieving the end of that will do that to ya though.
Not seeing Dad during that time, and feeling so helpless and powerless, is up there with that too. Lockdown was not kind to my Dad. Because of the cluster at the home he was in, his days were spent confined to his room with very minimal interaction and stimulation. His decline over this time was quite extreme.
Due to the constant dropping of the ball on behalf of that home, we made the difficult decision to move him last week. We hadn't felt this was an option because we knew that a move can cause another huge decline. But after a major fall resulting in serious injuries, it was a choice we had to make.
So far, it turns out this was a blessing in disguise. He is thriving there. The carers are amazing. They actually care for the residents like they are friends or family, and it isn't such a medical setting. Fingers crossed this continues and Dad remains happy.
Music holds a lot of emotion for me. A lot of the time I avoid songs that I associate with Dad in particular because I get so upset. I haven't listened to our wedding songs since Eddie and I split because I was scared they'd get me in the feels.
But last night, I put my headphones in and played the songs. The ones that make me think of Dad, the song I walked up the aisle to. I played the songs we played at Andrews funeral, and all the others ive avoided because of the risk of emotion spilling out. And I cried. I cried and cried and actually let myself grieve all of these people and circumstances.
With the one year anniversary of Andrews death on Monday, I can't help reliving the events that unfolded over this time a year ago. But now that I'm letting everything in, I dont think it's a negative thing, but a necessary thing. To process, and accept. Some hard experiences were felt over the course of that week after he passed, and while planning his funeral, but I am so grateful I got to be part of all of it, for him.
One year on, and in true style of our family, so much has happened. Yet so much will forever be frozen in time - Andrew's cheeky smile, his laugh, his ability to get you laughing with nothing but a raise of the eyebrow at just the right moment. Two bucks, you egg, two bucks ❤
