Tuesday, 26 May 2015

You know when you are completely exhausted and your mind is frazzled, you do everything wrong, your body aches, you need sleep but wake up all night, your emotions feel like they are on a plateau - you've cried so much it feels like your tears have dried up and you just cant find anything to get excited about? That's me today.

This last week has been so huge. Everyone was on such a high from my sister and (new!) brother-in-law's wedding, and then our world's came crashing down on Monday with the news about Mum. We then had my sister's Post-Wedding-Hen's-Night on the Friday, and said our goodbyes to them as they jetted off to travel the world on Sunday. And now I don't really know what to do with myself!

It's not easy to forget the stark reality that my Mum might not be around for as long as we want her to be. As if the thoughts and scenarios that consume you all hours of the day and night aren't sobering enough, then there's conversations about inheritance and holidays that might be our last with her. On the one hand it seems exciting, to all finally have a holiday with Mum and spend quality time, but then there's the reasoning behind why this may be a possibility and it's like getting hit in the heart with a sledgehammer.

And that's just me, I cant imagine how Mum must be feeling. These conversations make me awkward. (Actually, loads of things make me awkward - with all the hugging over the last week, my stepdad jokes that it's getting out of hand as I normally don't like hugs!).
These aren't conversations you really have with your parents, with the knowledge that this is real. Normally they are of the 'what if' context, not the 'when' context.

As you know from my post last week, Eddie and I are very open with our kids and explain anything they want to know. They know Mum is sick and what the doctors have told her, and we have answered any questions they want to know. Being kids, they mostly don't want to talk about it, and that's ok - they are kids. They're allowed to carry on in their way. My Meisha, bless her big heart, got really upset last week on the way up to Grandma's house after seeing me upset. I was driving and had tears streaming and Olive was screeching in the back seat for me to sing. As you can imagine, I wasn't really up for a sing-along at that point in time but Olive insisted. So I started in with a terrible rendition of Baa Baa Black Sheep.

"No, Mummy! Silent Night!"

So I started singing Silent Night. Which of course, instantly reminded me of being in the Christmas show at school as a child, wrapped in a white sheet with a tinsel halo, singing shyly along to Silent Night, with Mum watching on from the crowd of parents. So of course I get more upset (it's ok, I wasn't so upset I couldn't drive!). And the whole time, Meisha is sitting next to me, sneaking little looks. I tried to stop crying but the more I tried to stop, the more tears fell down my cheeks.

"Ok Mum, now Amazing Grace".

Are you kidding, kid? This is THE hymn I associate with funerals and ALWAYS makes me cry. So Olive is sitting in the back, singing along with me, thinking it's just another car-ride karaoke session and I'm in the front losing my shit.

Poor Meisha. She reached out and touched my hand with her little one and sat in the car, consoling her Mum. As we pulled up to Mum's, her wee face crumpled and she just sobbed. We sat in the car for a good few minutes just having a cry together.

I like to be strong for my kids. But sometimes? Sometimes you just have to be sad with them too.

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