Friday, 10 August 2012

Isn't it funny how emotions hit you sometimes? Just out of the blue, you can suddenly be feeling something you didn't even know was there.
I thought I had 'accepted' Oli's condition, and that I had had my big cry and it was going to be mostly smiles from here on in. But this morning, I realised that isn't quite the case.
New satellites pop up often. I find them fascinating. One minute, there is clear skin, next morning there is a new wee spot. As I have said, Olive has lots on her legs now (probably over 20) so they don't bother me as such. Then this morning, I discovered one on her chest, right by her teeny tiny baby nipple. This doesn't matter. Right? In the big scheme of things, it doesn't and perhaps it is just the fact I am breastfeeding her and that was my automatic thought - now she will have spotty breasts too!
Then I found one on the back of her neck....then one on her cheek....then about 5 new ones on the soles of her itty bitty feet (My gosh, those feet are gorgeous. The fattest stubbiest wee pudgy toes you ever did see! I could eat them up!) that weren't there the other night!

That's when I started sobbing. One day, she will most likely look at these photo's of herself, with no recollection of the time before she had these 'marks' all over her body. This point in time, will make her look so different to what she will be in future years. I felt so silly crying over this, as I don't think I think of Olive and her nevus as a sad story as such. It took me by surprise how grief stricken I was, about my bub being the way she is.
I don't want to cry over this. I don't want it to be sad. I don't want Olive to be sad about it, and I don't want Jaxon and Meisha growing up feeling sorry for their sister.
But I also don't want Olive to have a life where people are rude, and stare because she may look a bit different. I don't want her to have to explain her appearance to anybody. Ever. I said it in my first post, and have said this since Day 1 - all Eddie and I want for our children is to be themselves, and to be proud of who that person is, and to ultimately be happy.

I have no doubt Olive will be everything I want, and more. She already is! But man, maybe these bumps in the road might be harder than I thought.

No comments:

Post a Comment