I read a post the other day about enjoying the little moments with your children, because you never know when they will be the last - there will be a last time they ask you to kiss their grazed knee better, the last time you breastfeed them to sleep, or a last time they sneak into your bed for a cuddle in the middle of the night,  or the last time you kiss them goodbye at the school gate. It's easy to get caught up in the trials and tribulations of day to day monotony that comes with raising young children, and forget to cherish these moments and remember one day they won't do it again. And you will yearn for just One More Time.
I certainly know I am guilty of it, FAR too guilty. I let myself get stressed too quickly and when in the moment, can forget to pay enough attention to the grubby little hand giving me a bunch of flowers with stalks to short, or the extra kiss request at bedtime instead of carrying on with the washing or getting annoyed because I just want them asleep.
So I am trying to pay more attention. I am trying to slow down and soak in these moments. With Jaxon being almost 9 and Meisha just turned 7, I know I have inadvertently skimmed over some of these 'lasts' and it's true, I do yearn for One More. We have thoroughly enjoyed Olive as a baby, and now she is two-and-a-half, she is gaining independence at a rapid speed. Just a few weeks ago, I changed her last daytime nappy without even knowing it at the time. She decided she wanted to start using the toilet, and that was that. Nappies over. It's exciting but there is a certain sadness that comes with this newfound determination she has to be a Big Girl. We are well on our way to having 3 big kids and with that comes the realisation that the baby years are over for us. Don't get me wrong, I don't want anymore, but my gosh my children were lovely babies. I will remember those years with such fondness in the years to come.

In my last post, I mentioned studying and childcare. We have enrolled Oli at a lovely childcare centre and she has started going two days a week. She absolutely loves it. She is very independent and runs off on her own to play as soon as we get there, without so much as a backwards glance to me. It makes me really happy to see her in an environment where she feels safe and happy, with other adults who she is comfortable with. The teachers have been fantastic with learning about her nevus and paying attention if she falls or knocks it, to check and make sure it hasn't torn.
Olive takes herself to the toilet there and has had no accidents! I'm so proud of her, especially considering she is one of the smallest kids there and has to use the stool to get on and off the toilet, and to flush!
Along with toilet training herself, she has also started sleeping through the night in her own bed. The Bottle Fairy came a few weeks back and took away her bottles and since then, Oli has been fantastic at sleeping all night in her bed. The last few nights she's woken and wanted a cuddle, but hey - it might be the last right? ;)

With Olive being in care for 2 days a week, it means I have been able to have a wee break to do things like the groceries (oh, exciting!) or catch up on programmes I have missed like My Kitchen Rules (or My Chicken Rolls, as Olive calls it!), or to write on here! It's also given me a chance to think a bit more about what I want to do next year. I have decided not to do the Diploma in Not-For-Profit Management at this stage, as there are some course requirements which will make it very difficult for me to participate effectively. That's ok - what will be, will be and something else will come along, I am sure!

For now, I am enjoying some peace and quiet a few days a week and then enjoying my little darlings the rest of the time. This photo was taken by Eddie on the weekend. Olive completed a star chart for sleeping through the night in her own bed, and was rewarded with a trip to Chipmunks playground. She had an absolute ball.

This morning the whole family went out. We dropped the boys at the barbers, went and got Meisha and my hair cut and then went to the supermarket. We made a beeline for the magazine stand and stood there frantically flipping through until we came to a story....about us! Our article about Olive and her CMN is in this week's national Woman's Day magazine. Meisha and I stood there giggling like Giggling Gertie's at the sight of our little family in a magazine.
For my international friends, here is a wee pic of the story, though it may be hard to read! For my NZ friends, please go and buy Woman's Day lol.

As you all know, I'm quite shy so this is a pretty big thing for me and my family! It's very exciting but very nerve-wracking at the same time. I only hope we can reach more people with CMN through this article and widen our New Zealand group x

Bit of a follow up...

I feel like I am admitting defeat in posting this, but I am an honest person and I feel I need to update a previous post I made about my depression and anxiety.
In my prior post, I was saying how proud of myself I was for coming off the antidepressants. Unfortunately, after 2 weeks of being off them I had to admit to myself that I needed them again. My anxiety came back ten fold and my breathing was out of control. I had insomnia and no matter how tired I was, I couldn't get my brain to sleep.
And so back on the trusty little pill I went. But I am trying hard not to consider it a defeat, though it certainly felt like it at first. I mean, nobody wants to admit they aren't coping. Nobody wants to be viewed as weak. But now I see it as more of a learning curve. Something in my brain obviously doesn't work the way it should. But that isn't the negative thing I thought at first. It's ok.

I mean, if either my children or I needed antibiotics for an infection, or a cast for a broken ankle, or losec for reflux (you get the drift?), I wouldn't withhold it. Sometimes our bodies simply don't function the way they are intended to, and thankfully, these days there are things that can help. I get that now. But there is such a stigma surrounding mental health and antidepressants that being in this position, you cant help feeling like a failure.

But there is no failure in asking for help. It simply means you cant do it on your own, and that isn't a negative. Which is why I am posting this. Because sometimes other people need to know it is OK as well. That what works for others may not work for you. That taking a walk in the sunshine every day may not be your cure. That good food and exercise might not be the right thing for you. It might not be meditation or relaxation techniques. It may not be taking antidepressants either. You just have to find what helps you, and this is what helps me. I'm cool with that now.

Another major thing that has helped was talking. Talking to people about my anxiety has helped immensely. Others who suffer from it as well are a big help in realising you are not alone, you are not a freak and you are not screwed up. Sometimes things just happen the way they do and you have to deal with it in the best way possible for YOU. One of the greatest gifts I have been given, is the friends I have that have encouraged and supported me throughout everything.
I am so grateful to have these people in my life.

Another decision I have come to through talking with a special friend of mine (Hi Rach!), is to enrol at Uni. I have decided to apply to do the Graduate Diploma in Not-For-Profit Management. Starting the NZ nevus group is a passion of mine and I want to do it right. I want to build it on strong foundations so it has nowhere to go but up. So I feel completing this course is the best way to achieve this, as it will give me the skills and experience to make our organisation grow, in the most positive way possible. I have an interview this week to discuss the course requirements and what have you, so fingers crossed I get in! If not, well I suppose it will be what is supposed to be and I can think about what next when the time comes.

Because I am considering studying, I have also decided to check out some childcare centres and perhaps look at enrolling Olive for a few days a week. She is so used to being the baby and I think she needs to learn to play with kids her own age!

Olive's getting a little bored with being at home with Mummy, and needs a bit more stimulation than I give her. I think its a good thing. It will help develop her independence (God, does she really need any more of that though?!) and give her a chance to do all the messy icky things like play-doh and painting that I don't do at home!

I think my Little Miss will love it. Almost as much as she loves her Daddy <3

It's a sign of a good time when you have no photo's of the event! We had our karaoke night on Saturday, as our final fundraiser for our trip to Adelaide. It was an amazing night! We all had so much fun and everyone had a sing, even all the shy ones! It was so cool seeing people you would never expect getting up on stage and letting loose.

Aside from a few organisational blips at the start (hey, the only things I have had to organise for the past 8 years is how many nappies are left and have they got food for school!), the evening went sensationally. We held it at the Glen Eden RSA and the staff were so accommodating and helpful, not to mention friendly and supportive - I had a heap of the lovely members slipping notes into my hand 'for your girl'. Everybody was so charitable and happy and INTERESTED!!! I had the opportunity to educate quite a few people on CMN which is a great step in itself.

With this being the end of our fundraising, I wanted to post thanks to a lot of people. With the generosity of everyone who donated through givealittle (which includes the donations from separate fundraising events that others held on our behalf), the bowlathon and the karaoke night, I am delighted to announce that our final amount raised is an incredible $8200!!!

I can never thank everybody enough. Our community has really pulled together for us, and words truly can't say just how grateful we are. I'd like to make a few thanks specifically, to first off PINS Lincoln Road for hosting our bowlathon, to Glen Eden RSA for hosting our karaoke night, Party at Yours for use of their karaoke machine, and to the companies who donated for our prizes and raffles:

Stardome
Mexico
Smashbox
Kiwi Valley
Citrus Based Cleaner
Chelsea Sugar
Enza Foods
Teza
Tank Juice & Smoothies
The Fairy Flower Shop
The Aussie Butcher
Kaylee's Cupcakes
Amazing Maze/Spookers
Wella
Volt Coffee
Eco Store
Random House

Not to mention my in laws, Andrew and Marlene for contributing vouchers for the raffles, my parents and siblings for babysitting and helping at both events, my friends and family for coming to both events, as well as all of the people who we hadn't met but who came along to support us. A HUGE thank you to those who took it upon themselves to hold their own event s to raise extra funds - your kindness will never be forgotten.

Each and every one of you are beautiful people with kind hearts, and I hope to repay the kindness one day when others are in need. For now, I think it is safe to say we can pretty darn excited because our little family is going to ADELAIDE!!!!

This little face, has raised so much awareness, love, and a real sense of community in her short two years. Love to everyone x

Wow! The response I have had from my last post is astonishing! My Facebook inbox was going non-stop with messages from people (in particular, mother's) sharing their experiences which were very similar to my own. I was so hesitant about posting it, for fear of people knowing my 'secrets' but I am so glad I did. Depression and anxiety can be such a taboo subject and it is really hard to talk about to people who haven't been through it.
Though it is sad how many DO experience these, it is also quite comforting knowing you AREN'T crazy, you AREN'T alone. People DO understand. And by golly, they are supportive! There are no rules on how to deal with it - everyone is different and what works for one may be to the detriment of another person.
I am infinitely grateful to those for supporting me with the way *I* have/am dealt/dealing with it.

I'd like to share another blog today. This beautiful young Mum, Aseel, joined the Nevus Family last year in March, when her son Abdalla was born with CMN covering a lot of his back and neck. Aseel is originally from Iraq and her husband and her moved to Sweden for a chance at a better life. You can only imagine how hard this hit her - not only dealing with a new baby who was different and who had the doctors baffled, but add to this living in a foreign country with no family and support system.

I, among others, were so worried for Aseel in those early days. Her posts were so sad and I just wanted to wrap my arms around her, hug her and tell her everything would be OK. It is hard coming from little old New Zealand, to understand the gravity of devastation in her home country. To understand why she couldn't just go home, or why her family couldn't just come and support her. I actually feel naïve even writing that, but alas it is true. I have never experienced any of the things that Aseel has, and so though I tried, I just couldn't grasp the concept of just how hard things were for her.

I am so proud of my friend-who-I've-never-met. She has come such a long long way and proven to herself how incredibly strong and courageous she is. She managed to pull herself out of the hole she was in and appreciate and marvel in her special Abdalla. Have a read of her blog here to get a glimpse into her life. She is truly one of the most amazing and inspiring people I have ever had the pleasure of 'meeting' (I don't see a real-life meet happening anytime soon, but hey - perhaps one day!).

After a lot of thought, I have decided to do an extremely personal post. This one is not for sympathy, it is because I realised just the other day how damn proud of myself I am - and I cant share that without sharing a bit of MY story.

I have always been a very shy person, with not a lot of confidence. I dislike photos of myself with a passion because I just simply do not like the way I look in them. They are a reminder of all of my flaws which I so often try to escape from. As a result, I have very few photographs of me with my children. Which is sad for me....but especially for them. They should have a collection to look through and smile at, and to treasure when I am gone.

I've always been a very cautious person, I like to have routine and stick to the rules. It makes me nervous if I am with someone and they are doing something they shouldn't (my sister always laughs at this, as I am the only one out of us 5 kids that has ever been arrested! Only by naïve association though - definitely not by intent!).
When I was pregnant with Olive, I started having breathing issues. I was just 8 weeks pregnant when I started getting puffed and out of breath just walking upstairs in our house. I had heart palpitations and my heart would thump fast and loud in my chest. I had many a shopping trips where I had to sit in the car afterwards for fear of passing out. I saw the doctor numerous times but there was never anything out of order - we all thought it was another silly symptom of pregnancy that I'd adopted.

Around the same time, I also started having these vivid 'movies' play in my mind. The kids would go running down a hill and in my mind's eye, I would see them falling and bloodying up their face. |Or if we crossed a bridge, I could see in my head, one of them falling and drowning. It wasn't normal, I knew that but I just didn't know how to talk about it. It was generally to do with the kids and I thought perhaps I was just getting nervous about having three of them.

After Olive was born I had her to focus on. I had this tiny vulnerable person to protect and shower with love. I had these bigger two children that I needed to put powerful positive energy into so that they could feel loved and supported, to in turn do the same for their sister.
My issues were stashed away at the back of my mind.

Soon after Olive's first birthday in 2013, everything came to a head. For the previous year I'd had a lot to focus on - our new baby, the older kids, planning a wedding, planning a first birthday...there had been no time for my things!
But now, everything calmed down and I was forced to look at what was going on. The doctor diagnosed me with hyperventilation syndrome and anxiety. For anyone who hasn't been through this, it is where you retrain your body to over breathe. You take short sharp breaths from your chest rather than deep tummy breaths. In doing this, you open a whole new can of new symptoms - chest pains, headaches, dizziness, extreme fatigue, nausea, irritability and achy muscles to name just a few. I had all of these and more, and it was taking it's toll on my body.

With the amazing support of my Mum, I tried breathing exercises, diet changes, kinesiology, naturopathy....all of which would work for a short period and then my symptoms would come back worse than ever.

By this stage, I'd become very withdrawn and isolated myself a lot. Olive and I stayed home most days because it was easier to try to control my anxiety and breathing when I was at home and calm. But it was really wearing me down. Another visit to the GP saw me on antidepressants for the first time in my life. The first ones were hideous and gave me horrible, horrible dreams, insomnia and crushing headaches so I was put on another.

This one, along with cognitive behaviour therapy started my road to recovery. For the first time in about 2 years I could take proper breaths. My head and chest didn't hurt every day and I started smiling again.
I started taking them last September and in doing so have gotten on track with small things that make me happy - gardening,  reading, cooking, eating good foods...and surrounding myself with positive people. I have all of them to thank, for being there for me and LISTENING to me.

I have just managed to wean myself off them, which is a big feat in itself (as anyone who has been there knows!!) and for that, albeit a bit silly to some people, I am proud of myself. I really feel like I'm coming out the other side.
And you know what? My confidence is getting better. I take lots of photos with the kids now and even 'posed' for a photo shoot to be printed in a national women's magazine in the next few weeks (we have a story running about our Olive).

These are huge steps for me, and today? Today I'm feeling pretty damn proud of myself.

Here is me and my beautiful big girl, Meisha xx

Strike!

Last night we held our bowlathon to help with the rest of our fundraising towards *Olive's Chance*.
Miss Olive stayed home with Pop, as it was too late a night for her. She was a bit out of sorts when she woke a while after she'd gone to bed (read screaming :-\) but Pop quickly settled her on the couch with him, until we came home.

Everyone had a great night, especially my big kids who spent the night winning tickets to cash in for prizes! They got thoroughly spoilt by friends and family shouting them games and treats and Jax said he had "100% fun" lol.

We had a great turn out, with 16 bowlers all up. People put a lot of time and effort into committing to the event and getting sponsors. I want to thank each and every one of you who came and supported us. You have no idea how much we appreciate everyone's support and dedication to our cause. Thank you all, so so much.

I'd like to also thank some of the companies for their donations of the products we used as prizes. Volt for some amazing coffee; Teza for some of their delicious iced tea; Smashbox for $300 worth of their beautiful make up; Mexico for a $100 voucher at their awesome restaurant; Tank for vouchers for yummy healthy juice/smoothies; Kiwi Valley for a family pass; Spookers for a double pass and to PINS on Lincoln Road for hosting our bowlathon - the service was fantastic. Thank you all very much.

We managed to raise over $1500 (unsure of final count until sponsor sheets come in) but that is a LOT more than we thought! The support is just so overwhelming. We couldn't have got here without each and every one of you. So thank you all.

We have just one last event coming up on the 28th June. We are having a karaoke night where you can pay just $10 (all proceeds go directly to our cause) and come along for a great night of terrible singing (that's just me, not sure about you! haha) and be in to win some wonderful prizes and raffles. You can email me for more details if you are interested!

For now, I will leave you with this pic of my beautiful babies, who all of this is for. xx