This morning the whole family went out. We dropped the boys at the barbers, went and got Meisha and my hair cut and then went to the supermarket. We made a beeline for the magazine stand and stood there frantically flipping through until we came to a story....about us! Our article about Olive and her CMN is in this week's national Woman's Day magazine. Meisha and I stood there giggling like Giggling Gertie's at the sight of our little family in a magazine.
For my international friends, here is a wee pic of the story, though it may be hard to read! For my NZ friends, please go and buy Woman's Day lol.

As you all know, I'm quite shy so this is a pretty big thing for me and my family! It's very exciting but very nerve-wracking at the same time. I only hope we can reach more people with CMN through this article and widen our New Zealand group x

Bit of a follow up...

I feel like I am admitting defeat in posting this, but I am an honest person and I feel I need to update a previous post I made about my depression and anxiety.
In my prior post, I was saying how proud of myself I was for coming off the antidepressants. Unfortunately, after 2 weeks of being off them I had to admit to myself that I needed them again. My anxiety came back ten fold and my breathing was out of control. I had insomnia and no matter how tired I was, I couldn't get my brain to sleep.
And so back on the trusty little pill I went. But I am trying hard not to consider it a defeat, though it certainly felt like it at first. I mean, nobody wants to admit they aren't coping. Nobody wants to be viewed as weak. But now I see it as more of a learning curve. Something in my brain obviously doesn't work the way it should. But that isn't the negative thing I thought at first. It's ok.

I mean, if either my children or I needed antibiotics for an infection, or a cast for a broken ankle, or losec for reflux (you get the drift?), I wouldn't withhold it. Sometimes our bodies simply don't function the way they are intended to, and thankfully, these days there are things that can help. I get that now. But there is such a stigma surrounding mental health and antidepressants that being in this position, you cant help feeling like a failure.

But there is no failure in asking for help. It simply means you cant do it on your own, and that isn't a negative. Which is why I am posting this. Because sometimes other people need to know it is OK as well. That what works for others may not work for you. That taking a walk in the sunshine every day may not be your cure. That good food and exercise might not be the right thing for you. It might not be meditation or relaxation techniques. It may not be taking antidepressants either. You just have to find what helps you, and this is what helps me. I'm cool with that now.

Another major thing that has helped was talking. Talking to people about my anxiety has helped immensely. Others who suffer from it as well are a big help in realising you are not alone, you are not a freak and you are not screwed up. Sometimes things just happen the way they do and you have to deal with it in the best way possible for YOU. One of the greatest gifts I have been given, is the friends I have that have encouraged and supported me throughout everything.
I am so grateful to have these people in my life.

Another decision I have come to through talking with a special friend of mine (Hi Rach!), is to enrol at Uni. I have decided to apply to do the Graduate Diploma in Not-For-Profit Management. Starting the NZ nevus group is a passion of mine and I want to do it right. I want to build it on strong foundations so it has nowhere to go but up. So I feel completing this course is the best way to achieve this, as it will give me the skills and experience to make our organisation grow, in the most positive way possible. I have an interview this week to discuss the course requirements and what have you, so fingers crossed I get in! If not, well I suppose it will be what is supposed to be and I can think about what next when the time comes.

Because I am considering studying, I have also decided to check out some childcare centres and perhaps look at enrolling Olive for a few days a week. She is so used to being the baby and I think she needs to learn to play with kids her own age!

Olive's getting a little bored with being at home with Mummy, and needs a bit more stimulation than I give her. I think its a good thing. It will help develop her independence (God, does she really need any more of that though?!) and give her a chance to do all the messy icky things like play-doh and painting that I don't do at home!

I think my Little Miss will love it. Almost as much as she loves her Daddy <3

It's a sign of a good time when you have no photo's of the event! We had our karaoke night on Saturday, as our final fundraiser for our trip to Adelaide. It was an amazing night! We all had so much fun and everyone had a sing, even all the shy ones! It was so cool seeing people you would never expect getting up on stage and letting loose.

Aside from a few organisational blips at the start (hey, the only things I have had to organise for the past 8 years is how many nappies are left and have they got food for school!), the evening went sensationally. We held it at the Glen Eden RSA and the staff were so accommodating and helpful, not to mention friendly and supportive - I had a heap of the lovely members slipping notes into my hand 'for your girl'. Everybody was so charitable and happy and INTERESTED!!! I had the opportunity to educate quite a few people on CMN which is a great step in itself.

With this being the end of our fundraising, I wanted to post thanks to a lot of people. With the generosity of everyone who donated through givealittle (which includes the donations from separate fundraising events that others held on our behalf), the bowlathon and the karaoke night, I am delighted to announce that our final amount raised is an incredible $8200!!!

I can never thank everybody enough. Our community has really pulled together for us, and words truly can't say just how grateful we are. I'd like to make a few thanks specifically, to first off PINS Lincoln Road for hosting our bowlathon, to Glen Eden RSA for hosting our karaoke night, Party at Yours for use of their karaoke machine, and to the companies who donated for our prizes and raffles:

Stardome
Mexico
Smashbox
Kiwi Valley
Citrus Based Cleaner
Chelsea Sugar
Enza Foods
Teza
Tank Juice & Smoothies
The Fairy Flower Shop
The Aussie Butcher
Kaylee's Cupcakes
Amazing Maze/Spookers
Wella
Volt Coffee
Eco Store
Random House

Not to mention my in laws, Andrew and Marlene for contributing vouchers for the raffles, my parents and siblings for babysitting and helping at both events, my friends and family for coming to both events, as well as all of the people who we hadn't met but who came along to support us. A HUGE thank you to those who took it upon themselves to hold their own event s to raise extra funds - your kindness will never be forgotten.

Each and every one of you are beautiful people with kind hearts, and I hope to repay the kindness one day when others are in need. For now, I think it is safe to say we can pretty darn excited because our little family is going to ADELAIDE!!!!

This little face, has raised so much awareness, love, and a real sense of community in her short two years. Love to everyone x

Wow! The response I have had from my last post is astonishing! My Facebook inbox was going non-stop with messages from people (in particular, mother's) sharing their experiences which were very similar to my own. I was so hesitant about posting it, for fear of people knowing my 'secrets' but I am so glad I did. Depression and anxiety can be such a taboo subject and it is really hard to talk about to people who haven't been through it.
Though it is sad how many DO experience these, it is also quite comforting knowing you AREN'T crazy, you AREN'T alone. People DO understand. And by golly, they are supportive! There are no rules on how to deal with it - everyone is different and what works for one may be to the detriment of another person.
I am infinitely grateful to those for supporting me with the way *I* have/am dealt/dealing with it.

I'd like to share another blog today. This beautiful young Mum, Aseel, joined the Nevus Family last year in March, when her son Abdalla was born with CMN covering a lot of his back and neck. Aseel is originally from Iraq and her husband and her moved to Sweden for a chance at a better life. You can only imagine how hard this hit her - not only dealing with a new baby who was different and who had the doctors baffled, but add to this living in a foreign country with no family and support system.

I, among others, were so worried for Aseel in those early days. Her posts were so sad and I just wanted to wrap my arms around her, hug her and tell her everything would be OK. It is hard coming from little old New Zealand, to understand the gravity of devastation in her home country. To understand why she couldn't just go home, or why her family couldn't just come and support her. I actually feel naïve even writing that, but alas it is true. I have never experienced any of the things that Aseel has, and so though I tried, I just couldn't grasp the concept of just how hard things were for her.

I am so proud of my friend-who-I've-never-met. She has come such a long long way and proven to herself how incredibly strong and courageous she is. She managed to pull herself out of the hole she was in and appreciate and marvel in her special Abdalla. Have a read of her blog here to get a glimpse into her life. She is truly one of the most amazing and inspiring people I have ever had the pleasure of 'meeting' (I don't see a real-life meet happening anytime soon, but hey - perhaps one day!).

After a lot of thought, I have decided to do an extremely personal post. This one is not for sympathy, it is because I realised just the other day how damn proud of myself I am - and I cant share that without sharing a bit of MY story.

I have always been a very shy person, with not a lot of confidence. I dislike photos of myself with a passion because I just simply do not like the way I look in them. They are a reminder of all of my flaws which I so often try to escape from. As a result, I have very few photographs of me with my children. Which is sad for me....but especially for them. They should have a collection to look through and smile at, and to treasure when I am gone.

I've always been a very cautious person, I like to have routine and stick to the rules. It makes me nervous if I am with someone and they are doing something they shouldn't (my sister always laughs at this, as I am the only one out of us 5 kids that has ever been arrested! Only by naïve association though - definitely not by intent!).
When I was pregnant with Olive, I started having breathing issues. I was just 8 weeks pregnant when I started getting puffed and out of breath just walking upstairs in our house. I had heart palpitations and my heart would thump fast and loud in my chest. I had many a shopping trips where I had to sit in the car afterwards for fear of passing out. I saw the doctor numerous times but there was never anything out of order - we all thought it was another silly symptom of pregnancy that I'd adopted.

Around the same time, I also started having these vivid 'movies' play in my mind. The kids would go running down a hill and in my mind's eye, I would see them falling and bloodying up their face. |Or if we crossed a bridge, I could see in my head, one of them falling and drowning. It wasn't normal, I knew that but I just didn't know how to talk about it. It was generally to do with the kids and I thought perhaps I was just getting nervous about having three of them.

After Olive was born I had her to focus on. I had this tiny vulnerable person to protect and shower with love. I had these bigger two children that I needed to put powerful positive energy into so that they could feel loved and supported, to in turn do the same for their sister.
My issues were stashed away at the back of my mind.

Soon after Olive's first birthday in 2013, everything came to a head. For the previous year I'd had a lot to focus on - our new baby, the older kids, planning a wedding, planning a first birthday...there had been no time for my things!
But now, everything calmed down and I was forced to look at what was going on. The doctor diagnosed me with hyperventilation syndrome and anxiety. For anyone who hasn't been through this, it is where you retrain your body to over breathe. You take short sharp breaths from your chest rather than deep tummy breaths. In doing this, you open a whole new can of new symptoms - chest pains, headaches, dizziness, extreme fatigue, nausea, irritability and achy muscles to name just a few. I had all of these and more, and it was taking it's toll on my body.

With the amazing support of my Mum, I tried breathing exercises, diet changes, kinesiology, naturopathy....all of which would work for a short period and then my symptoms would come back worse than ever.

By this stage, I'd become very withdrawn and isolated myself a lot. Olive and I stayed home most days because it was easier to try to control my anxiety and breathing when I was at home and calm. But it was really wearing me down. Another visit to the GP saw me on antidepressants for the first time in my life. The first ones were hideous and gave me horrible, horrible dreams, insomnia and crushing headaches so I was put on another.

This one, along with cognitive behaviour therapy started my road to recovery. For the first time in about 2 years I could take proper breaths. My head and chest didn't hurt every day and I started smiling again.
I started taking them last September and in doing so have gotten on track with small things that make me happy - gardening,  reading, cooking, eating good foods...and surrounding myself with positive people. I have all of them to thank, for being there for me and LISTENING to me.

I have just managed to wean myself off them, which is a big feat in itself (as anyone who has been there knows!!) and for that, albeit a bit silly to some people, I am proud of myself. I really feel like I'm coming out the other side.
And you know what? My confidence is getting better. I take lots of photos with the kids now and even 'posed' for a photo shoot to be printed in a national women's magazine in the next few weeks (we have a story running about our Olive).

These are huge steps for me, and today? Today I'm feeling pretty damn proud of myself.

Here is me and my beautiful big girl, Meisha xx

Strike!

Last night we held our bowlathon to help with the rest of our fundraising towards *Olive's Chance*.
Miss Olive stayed home with Pop, as it was too late a night for her. She was a bit out of sorts when she woke a while after she'd gone to bed (read screaming :-\) but Pop quickly settled her on the couch with him, until we came home.

Everyone had a great night, especially my big kids who spent the night winning tickets to cash in for prizes! They got thoroughly spoilt by friends and family shouting them games and treats and Jax said he had "100% fun" lol.

We had a great turn out, with 16 bowlers all up. People put a lot of time and effort into committing to the event and getting sponsors. I want to thank each and every one of you who came and supported us. You have no idea how much we appreciate everyone's support and dedication to our cause. Thank you all, so so much.

I'd like to also thank some of the companies for their donations of the products we used as prizes. Volt for some amazing coffee; Teza for some of their delicious iced tea; Smashbox for $300 worth of their beautiful make up; Mexico for a $100 voucher at their awesome restaurant; Tank for vouchers for yummy healthy juice/smoothies; Kiwi Valley for a family pass; Spookers for a double pass and to PINS on Lincoln Road for hosting our bowlathon - the service was fantastic. Thank you all very much.

We managed to raise over $1500 (unsure of final count until sponsor sheets come in) but that is a LOT more than we thought! The support is just so overwhelming. We couldn't have got here without each and every one of you. So thank you all.

We have just one last event coming up on the 28th June. We are having a karaoke night where you can pay just $10 (all proceeds go directly to our cause) and come along for a great night of terrible singing (that's just me, not sure about you! haha) and be in to win some wonderful prizes and raffles. You can email me for more details if you are interested!

For now, I will leave you with this pic of my beautiful babies, who all of this is for. xx

As with a lot of online groups, there is a great mix of people in some of our nevus support groups. People from all different countries, all walks of life, with contrasting attitudes, different upbringings, diverse outlooks on life. We all parent different to one another and we all have individual personalities. So it probably doesn't come as a surprise to tell you that sometimes there can be big disagreements on some of those forums. The most common argument is removal versus non-removal. As you can imagine, this is an incredibly difficult decision for any parent to make. First you are given a baby who isn't as we expected (and ALL babies are different! We all know they don't come with a handbook!), and you have to deal with that in itself. Then, most people are given the option of choosing to either leave the nevus and monitor it, or to use a removal process - generally either using skin expanders (implanting an expander under the 'good' skin, expanding it over time then taking the expander out, removing nevus skin and replacing with the new skin), curettage (scraping of the skin), laser, or sometimes grafts.

None of these are an easy option. Every option we choose comes with it's negatives and positives. I don't think any parent makes the decision lightly, and I believe we are each making what we consider to be the best choice for our child. As I said at the start of this post, we are all different. I think we make our choices based on many factors - our country where we live and our society, our support system, our doctor's recommendations, our beliefs, our own confidence and fears, where on the body the nevus is and the size of it, and our doctor's reactions when our babies are born, amongst other things.

We are all different people (sorry, there's that word again! :P) and need to respect each other accordingly. Our nevus community is so small in this huge world and it always saddens me to see others arguing over the 'best choice' - there IS no best choice. There is no clear cut of what to do. Sometimes I am still unsure if we made the right choice by not pursuing removal processes more with the doctors. One day Olive might tell me she wishes we had removed it when she was younger, or she may wish to go down that route as she gets older. For now, as her parents, we are just doing the best we can....I hope others can see that, and to also recognise it in all the other parents who have been placed on this similar path.

On a brighter note, is that because of Olive, I have met a whole new world of people, most of whom are just amazing. They are inspirational and positive and have provided me with so much support and information and smiles over the last two years. Thank you, my 'nevus family'!!

And another bright note, we have hit our fundraising goal!! Thanks to the wonderful generosity of friends, family, and members of the public (all with beautiful hearts!) we are so stoked to announce WE'RE GOING TO ADELAIDE BABY!!

The kids are super excited and we have concreted the milestone by paying the deposit on our accommodation. Can. Not. Wait.

We have a few fundraising events coming up to try to raise the rest of the funds necessary - a bowlathon in May and a karaoke night in June. If anyone is keen on either of these, please get in touch with me through here.

Donations are still going, even though the target has been met (target was for the basics - flights, accommodation and passports) so if anybody still wants to donate, you can do so here:
https://www.givealittle.co.nz/cause/oliveschance