In a world full of stress and turmoil, it can be easy to lose your footing and forget what grounds you. I had somehow forgotten what writing does for me, and it was only the other day I realised I haven't written a post since 2020.
It makes sense really. The world around us has changed immensely since covid came to stay. The controversy and differing opinions have fractured many relationships and changed fundamental dynamics in how we relate with and treat other people. It's been a chaotic time for everyone I think, and I believe the impact the pandemic has had on everybody has been widely underestimated.
I can certainly say it has had a detrimental effect on me personally. And not only because of the controversy over the vaccine (let's just not even go there lol), but because of lockdowns, restrictions, and the rest, it caused a lot of guilt for me which is something I've had to process. The guilt of my 16 year old having to babysit every day because schools were closed but work was open. Guilt that he had to do this while sitting his first year of ncea. Guilt at my 10 year old not getting the best schooling attention because I wasn't here.
The guilt of not being allowed to see dad, and that he might have thought we'd forgotten about him. No matter how hard I tried, I felt like every way I turned there was pressure that I couldn't appease or suppress. It took its toll on me for a while, until a conversation with a friend made me realise that I was doing my utter best, and that the environmental influences, as such, were not something I could actually change. Sometimes The Best isn't at the standard you'd like it to be, but thats not to say you aren't doing Your Best. Stumbling upon this realisation has been imperative to me and reevaluating my standards for myself.
The world is not a kind place a lot of the time, but I truly believe everyone needs to remember that people are just trying and sometimes that might not be what you think is at a high enough standard when it fact they are at capacity. It is so important to treat people with kindness.
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Olive recently had her annual check up with the pediatric dermatologist. It went fantastic. Though she was shy, she obligingly let the doctor check her whole nevus (this involves near full nudity) and let her check a couple of questionable spots. I know I've said it before but I'll say it every time - her dermatologist is amazing. She takes the time to update me on new research regarding CMN and always approaches decisions regarding Olives care with me as an equal, not a patient. I think a lot of people may not appreciate this approach, but Diana has always respected the fact that I am knowledgeable and interested in the condition as a whole not just as Olives mum. Her interactions with me always give me a newfound respect for her.
The upshot of the visit was that Olive is boring lol. There are no areas of concern and we are to be seen again in a year, which is also likely when she will start seeing the orthopedic doctors again to keep an eye on her scoliosis. The transition from Olive being a baby and viewed as somewhat of a medical anomaly, to now at 10 years old being considered boring is such a pleasing description. My fears when she was young, of a life filled with difficulties and judgements, have melted away over the last few years. She is as normal a child as any others her age - she has a bunch of wonderful friends who have never even questioned her difference, she loves roblox and animals, shes learning to cook, she's still hilarious. Olive loves drawing and writing and is still the little tornado thst whirls through our house leaving cut up paper, noodles, spills and anything else she comes across in her wake.
My girl is a Mama's girl through and through and still sleeps with me most nights. This can cause some anxiety when staying over at other places, but she recently went on school camp and after a trying first night she pushed through and made it the whole 3 nights.
I was super proud of her, but honestly...when am I not? Though I don't consciously think about it every day anymore, it does often enter my mind that that little baby who we were so fiercely protective over is well on her way to holding her own.
This young lady has been an absolute pleasure to watch grow up and though she still drives me nuts, seeing her become the little mini queen she is in her own right, is just the best ❤️
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