Each year I do a post just before Christmas reflecting on the year been. I kinda did that in my last post already, but it is my first day on holiday today, so of course my mind is letting everything in because it isn't distracted.

 I've been posting a lot more on social media lately. Since Olive has gotten bigger, I havent posted as much. I used to have something to say on the daily about her or the other kids, and now when I look back at my memories on Facebook, they pop up and give me a good laugh, or good feels. I stopped posting for quite a while but lately theres been a lot of things come up that make me realise how important it is to me.

 My hard drive from my old computer shit itself. I didnt back it up. So I've lost all of the kids photos from when Olive was a baby to about 2 years old. And stupidly, when I deactivated my Facebook all those years back, I deleted all the photos because I had no intention of coming back. But here I am, (surprise, surprise) and have nothing to show for it lol.

Now memories keep popping up, and it isnt just photos that get me. Its comments from people who've passed away. It's comments from friends who I cherish but have drifted away from. And it's definitely, definitely the photos. Photos keep emerging of Dad, in particular, from before he was unwell.

And it is hitting me right in the heart.

To see him well, compared to now, brings it all home. You can't help but compare how he looked two years ago to now. It is actually really interesting how a psychological disease can manifest in a physical way. You can SEE the illness in him now. You can see he is unwell.

We know dementia is going to take our Dad. We don't know when, or how long he has. And the memories are a stark reminder of that fact and of how quickly it is happening. But they are also a reminder of the person he is, and the life he has lived.

 So I've been trying to take more photos and videos to look back on later. And once I started doing it, I realised - I should be doing this with everyone! Not just dad. And not just other people - myself too!
We aren't all going to be here forever, and one day someone is going to look back on those and cherish every single one.

 I've always been someone who likes to be in the moment and not consumed by my phone. Some of the best nights out are when there isnt a single photo! But photos are so precious in years to come. And I want to make more of a concerted effort to document those moments, THESE moments, that mean so much now, and in years to come.

 * * *

 The kids have done incredibly well at school this year, bringing home great marks and wonderful comments on their reports from all of their teachers. It's so hard to believe Olive will be Year 4 next year! It really feels like she just started. I have to really remind myself a lot that she isn't the baby girl I think she is, and she is growing up very quickly into an intelligent and clever young lady. She had her first crush this year and while I won't go into it too much so as not to embarrass her, i will say that ugh! The notes between the two were just adorable.

 Jaxon will be Year 10 next year and if this years results were anything to go by, i think he will do fantastically in preparation for NCEA the following year. I've been very impressed with the school he is at and he is really striving there. He's made a cool bunch of mates and gaining a lot more independence. He's even legal to babysit now! Yuss!

 Meisha has also done wonderfully - she is Year 8 next year, so last year at intermediate before she too will be off to high school. Insane. She has made some really great personal choices this year, which I'm ridiculously proud of her for. She knows her worth, and how she deserves to be respected and treated. It is heart warming to see her take bold steps towards ensuring she receives that treatment from others.

 I have finished my course and while I struggled with the second quarter time wise, I'm proud to say I brought in all A's for every subject. It was a great challenge for me, and that along with starting work has reminded me I am not just a mother and wife. I am my own person, and I am slowly getting to know that person again. It has been quite freeing to be honest, and I am excited to see what next year brings.
And so we are here on Christmas Eve. I have dropped the ball this last few months a fair bit in different areas, but I've been trying my damn best and will continue to do so. I'm off soon to finish my shopping and get everything in order. I am looking forward to spending Christmas Day with my family and Eddie's family. I can't wait to see the kids faces in the morning. It will be our first Christmas without Andrew. It may be our last Christmas with others. And so I will take all the photos, I will record all the videos. And I will continue to remember what Christmas magic is all about - the people and the love.
Merry Christmas everyone. Enjoy the moments x