Seeing the New Year In...

Don't live the same year 75 times and call it a life.

- Robin Sharma

It's that time again, when the passing of time farewells one year and welcomes another. It's a time of reflection, and one of projection for what you have achieved and accomplished. A time for resolutions and goal setting, and remembering the moments of the year prior.

I recently said to mum that I couldn't believe it was December already and I felt like I had nothing to "show" for 2022, that I hadn't achieved anything. Mum turned and said, "Kiz, you've raised 3 children on your own. You've held down your job and found a new house. You've grieved your dad and you've helped your children through their grief".

It's easy to think that because you haven't achieved some sort of status on paper or reached the attainment of what you set out to do at the beginning of the year that it means you have failed. But this just isn't so. Every day we live, we learn. And if we are open to these spiritual and emotional learnings we are in fact, attaining life skills that cannot be found any other way. The way I view it, is our difficult times are our lessons presented and we can choose to embrace these lessons so as to grow as people, as souls. The happy times, the easy times, are the chocolate fish you get for participating in and completing the lessons. Life as an adult is rough. Sometimes it feels like lesson after lesson and you don't know when you'll get a break, when the universe will recognise the effort and attention you are putting in. And sometimes you have to reward yourself and choose to smile, laugh and embrace happiness. It doesn't always just happen.

The last few new years I have resolved to not make any resolutions (except for last year when I resolved to learn to do a cartwheel. No, I didn't learn. No, I probably won't. Don't come at me!), and to just BE in the moment and enjoy the time with my people.

The death of my precious Dad 8 weeks ago has made me reevaluate that recent tradition of no resolution. It's a difficult thing, grief. Especially when it is someone so exceptionally special like your parent. You've literally spent your entire life with them in it. You wouldn't be here without them. You wouldn't be you without their teachings, their input, their experience. And then suddenly the world is a different place without them in it. And you have to learn to do life without them, without their love, their energy. I've been through a lot in my life but this has to be the hardest and most painful. I miss him every single day and would give anything for just one more day with my Dad.

So this year I've decided to do things a little different. I'm making this year mine. A year of personal growth and personal achievements. Of putting me first. All while choosing happiness, and learning the lessons presented. I want to be able to get to new years at the end of 2023 and say I've tried my absolute best...consciously. And utterly fucking slayed it.

Because amongst the pain my heart has endured and will for a long time to come, I've been given some amazing gifts this year, and reminded of some I was given a long time ago. I was blessed with the most amazing children, the most incredible and loving family (long time friends included).

So I raise my glass tonight to the special person I've lost this year, my one of a kind Dad, and to new beginnings and blessings...with some amazingly beautiful people by my side ❤️

I wish you all a prosperous and fulfilled 2023. So as my dad would say every new years day, Happy New Years my lovelies 💖 

She returns...

In a world full of stress and turmoil, it can be easy to lose your footing and forget what grounds you. I had somehow forgotten what writing does for me, and it was only the other day I realised I haven't written a post since 2020.
It makes sense really. The world around us has changed immensely since covid came to stay. The controversy and differing opinions have fractured many relationships and changed fundamental dynamics in how we relate with and treat other people. It's been a chaotic time for everyone I think, and I believe the impact the pandemic has had on everybody has been widely underestimated.

I can certainly say it has had a detrimental effect on me personally. And not only because of the controversy over the vaccine (let's just not even go there lol), but because of lockdowns, restrictions, and the rest, it caused a lot of guilt for me which is something I've had to process. The guilt of my 16 year old having to babysit every day because schools were closed but work was open. Guilt that he had to do this while sitting his first year of ncea. Guilt at my 10 year old not getting the best schooling attention because I wasn't here.

The guilt of not being allowed to see dad, and that he might have thought we'd forgotten about him. No matter how hard I tried, I felt like every way I turned there was pressure that I couldn't appease or suppress. It took its toll on me for a while, until a conversation with a friend made me realise that I was doing my utter best, and that the environmental influences, as such, were not something I could actually change. Sometimes The Best isn't at the standard you'd like it to be, but thats not to say you aren't doing Your Best. Stumbling upon this realisation has been imperative to me and reevaluating my standards for myself.

The world is not a kind place a lot of the time, but I truly believe everyone needs to remember that people are just trying and sometimes that might not be what you think is at a high enough standard when it fact they are at capacity. It is so important to treat people with kindness.

***

Olive recently had her annual check up with the pediatric dermatologist. It went fantastic. Though she was shy, she obligingly let the doctor check her whole nevus (this involves near full nudity) and let her check a couple of questionable spots. I know I've said it before but I'll say it every time - her dermatologist is amazing. She takes the time to update me on new research regarding CMN and always approaches decisions regarding Olives care with me as an equal, not a patient. I think a lot of people may not appreciate this approach, but Diana has always respected the fact that I am knowledgeable and interested in the condition as a whole not just as Olives mum. Her interactions with me always give me a newfound respect for her.

The upshot of the visit was that Olive is boring lol. There are no areas of concern and we are to be seen again in a year, which is also likely when she will start seeing the orthopedic doctors again to keep an eye on her scoliosis. The transition from Olive being a baby and viewed as somewhat of a medical anomaly, to now at 10 years old being considered boring is such a pleasing description. My fears when she was young, of a life filled with difficulties and judgements, have melted away over the last few years. She is as normal a child as any others her age - she has a bunch of wonderful friends who have never even questioned her difference, she loves roblox and animals, shes learning to cook, she's still hilarious. Olive loves drawing and writing and is still the little tornado thst whirls through our house leaving cut up paper, noodles, spills and anything else she comes across in her wake.

My girl is a Mama's girl through and through and still sleeps with me most nights. This can cause some anxiety when staying over at other places, but she recently went on school camp and after a trying first night she pushed through and made it the whole 3 nights.
I was super proud of her, but honestly...when am I not? Though I don't consciously think about it every day anymore, it does often enter my mind that that little baby who we were so fiercely protective over is well on her way to holding her own.
This young lady has been an absolute pleasure to watch grow up and though she still drives me nuts, seeing her become the little mini queen she is in her own right, is just the best ❤️

2020 can kiss my ass

 Its Christmas time in the morning!

I wish I felt as excited as the song. But this year is different. This year Christmas is full of Firsts...and probably going to be a Last.

Every year I recap on the year just before Christmas Day, but this time I'm not. Because this year has been fucking hard. It has been full of heartache and hurt, and instead of highlighting those events over, and focusing on the difficulties endured and the loss we anticipate, I've chosen to do this years post on what I am thankful for.

2020 has been a difficult year for most people, and one where a lot of us have had to dig deep and keep on trying.

For myself, I could not have done that without my People. So I want to thank them.

My children - Jaxon, Meisha and Olive. Thank you for being my reason to keep getting out of bed each day. For being a constant source of amusement and keeping our household environment light and fun. You are my world and I am so proud of you all.
Jaxon, thank you for stepping up so much this year. For babysitting, and helping and always giving your old Ma a hug at just the right time.

Kate - this journey through life wouldn't be the same without you 'baby girl'. Thank you for always listening to me vent, never judging, always helping, forever making me laugh, and loving me for exactly who I am. You've been a steady and secure pillar of strength for me since we were teens. Thank you to your babies for always putting a smile on my face with their big loves for Mama Tizzie. Love you all loads xo

Jerry and Jordan - thank you both for being such awesome 'new' friends. I'm so grateful for meeting you both. For listening to my shit all the time, for our carpark chats, for the completely inappropriate laughs, for checking in all the time when things got really tough, for helping me see my worth, for looking out for my kids and for always always offering help if I need it. You are both amazing people and I'm so glad I met you. Love ya guys!

Ala - thank you for all the laughs and keeping me grounded and humble both with my inappropriate humour and with the obstacles I've faced this year. I miss you!

Dani - sometimes someone comes into your life at the exact right time, with exactly what you need. That was you this year Dani, and I am so grateful for our daily catch ups, helping each other through some hugely tough times, and for the belly laughs and jokes that make your Dad cringe. But mostly the free coffee. Love you x

My brothers and sisters and Mum -
I couldn't imagine a more supportive, more annoying, more loving team to have on my side. Thank you for being those people that drop everything when it comes to one another. Thank you for loving and supporting me through my marriage breakup, work difficulties, health issues and everything else this year has thrown at me.

But mostly, thank you for loving our Dad as much as you all do. I couldn't imagine walking this horrible road without each and every one of you by my side ❤

Thank you to my sisters and Mum for ALWAYS stepping in to help with my kids and being my support system as I find my feet as a single mum. You guys are the absolute best xo

Liesl - thank you for reconnecting with me and for taking care of Don as amazingly as you did. Surrounding him with the love that you did as he took his final journey here is immeasurable, and I thank you for doing so ❤
Thank you for your support and love in the recent weeks, I've needed it x

Thank you to everyone who has supported the kids and I this year, in so many ways. None of it has gone unnoticed and it has all helped in ways you probably don't even know.

Merry Christmas errryyy peoples. I hope your day is filled with happiness and love tomorrow 💗 

When it all comes tumbling down...

Isn't it amazing how grief can creep up on you? Not amazing in a good way, amazing as in how sneaky it is, how it can literally be lurking over your shoulder waiting to present itself when you least expect it.

I haven't really felt myself this last week at all. I've been quite down, and when I feel like that I tend to isolate myself quite a bit. A hard conversation with a really good friend the other night made me realise my self esteem is at a big time low point. I've been so busy with work and kids and dad, I don't do anything for me at the moment and the very little spare time I have to myself hasn't been spent wisely.

On Monday, it is a year since my brother in law Andrew passed away. So much has happened since then, yet it feels like just yesterday. All the memories of that week have been coming back and tapping me on the shoulder when I least expect it.

I went to visit a good friend in hospital the other day and after waiting for a park for almost an hour, I tried to go in another entrance instead. I drove in, and had to pass the mortuary as I did. Out of nowhere, my breath caught in my chest and I was on the verge of a panic attack.

The images of seeing Andrew in there the night after he died came pounding back into the forefront of my mind. I had to abort the visit mission after that and I was angry at myself for not being able to control my emotions.

I am a strong woman, ive been through a lot, but I realised yesterday that out of necessity, ive actually just tucked a lot of this stuff away in my mind and not really confronted it. I havent had time or the emotional capacity to deal with it properly.

A couple of weeks after Andrew died, I started a new job. My first job since before Jax - I'd been a stay at home mum for 13 years. On my first day, my anxiety tried to take hold and think of all the excuses I could use to not go through with it. But I fought the beast, and came out trumps - its been one of the best decisions I made and I have made some amazing friends who I value so highly.

Not long after, the issues in my marriage came to a head. In hindsight, they were there for a long time, but circumstances brought them to light and Eddie and I actually had to face the fact that we didn't work together anymore. We decided to separate, and though its been tough getting where we are now, im proud to say we are working together well as separated parents.

Lockdown made everything exceptionally hard. It was only a few weeks after we separated, and the timing was terrible in respect to us both finding our feet. I have to admit, going through a marriage breakup on your own at home with 3 kids who you're trying to protect and keep emotionally well also, is up there with one of the hardest emotional things I've done. Sixteen years with someone is a long time, and to then be faced with 'extenuating circumstances' whilst grieving the end of that will do that to ya though.

Not seeing Dad during that time, and feeling so helpless and powerless, is up there with that too. Lockdown was not kind to my Dad. Because of the cluster at the home he was in, his days were spent confined to his room with very minimal interaction and stimulation. His decline over this time was quite extreme.

Due to the constant dropping of the ball on behalf of that home, we made the difficult decision to move him last week. We hadn't felt this was an option because we knew that a move can cause another huge decline. But after a major fall resulting in serious injuries, it was a choice we had to make.

So far, it turns out this was a blessing in disguise. He is thriving there. The carers are amazing. They actually care for the residents like they are friends or family, and it isn't such a medical setting. Fingers crossed this continues and Dad remains happy.

Music holds a lot of emotion for me. A lot of the time I avoid songs that I associate with Dad in particular because I get so upset. I haven't listened to our wedding songs since Eddie and I split because I was scared they'd get me in the feels.
But last night, I put my headphones in and played the songs. The ones that make me think of Dad, the song I walked up the aisle to. I played the songs we played at Andrews funeral, and all the others ive avoided because of the risk of emotion spilling out. And I cried. I cried and cried and actually let myself grieve all of these people and circumstances.

With the one year anniversary of Andrews death on Monday, I can't help reliving the events that unfolded over this time a year ago. But now that I'm letting everything in, I dont think it's a negative thing, but a necessary thing. To process, and accept. Some hard experiences were felt over the course of that week after he passed, and while planning his funeral, but I am so grateful I got to be part of all of it, for him.

One year on, and in true style of our family, so much has happened. Yet so much will forever be frozen in time - Andrew's cheeky smile, his laugh, his ability to get you laughing with nothing but a raise of the eyebrow at just the right moment. Two bucks, you egg, two bucks ❤

The day my little star was born was one of my most life changing experiences. Anyone I've known for a long time will remember as well, and have read most blog posts and Facebook posts - as well as the reposts every year.
(For anyone new here, here is my first post from 8 years ago: https://oliveandherstory.blogspot.com/2012/07/so-miss-olive-is-3-months-now.html?m=0)

You see, as time passes, it can be easy to get complacent. We have it pretty easy with Olive now, in regards to her nevus. But, as overwhelmingly emotional as it was, I never want to forget how I felt the day we welcomed her into the world. That day, and the early ones to follow, shaped not only our journey with her - but a new path of my own that I am so grateful to that little girl for. When I read my posts from that time 8 years ago, the emotions come flooding back.

Our early days with Olive were marked with hospitals, doctors and a decent level of fear. But they were also surrounded with an enormous amount of love, protectiveness and acceptance.

That tiny (ok, at 8lb15oz she wasn't that tiny!) little person brought forth the absolute best of people, friendships and support, and in a small minority, the worst of humans. Just by being born the way she was. Just by being her.

Today she is no different really. Except my level of involvement in her social interactions regarding her nevus has receded. She holds her own now. She educates her peers, she takes control of a situation and for the most part, steers these interactions in the direction she wants them to go. Which is the direction we always hoped and wished for, and strived to teach her - acceptance. Olive's nevus is just a part of her. It does not define her but is part of what makes her her.

It is now 2 days post birthday for Olive. We are currently in the midst of Level 4 Alert lockdown due to the Covid 19 pandemic. We are not allowed to leave our homes other than for essentials. When the lockdown was announced, i realised Olive's birthday was in that period. My heart ached for her. You see, this wee girl has been planning her birthday party for the last 2-3 months. She's been writing lists, making games, creating invitations. She had her heart set on a party and although I don't do them every year, I agreed once I saw her dedication. As I explained the situation, watching her little eyes well up and her lip quivering as she tried to be brave, my heart sank for her.
"That's ok Mummy, I know it's for the best."

An 8 year old understood and accepted it better than half the douchebag adults out there who haven't taken the rules seriously.

MY 8 year old. Her reaction made me so proud. Although Eddie and I are no longer together, we have built these kids up to be some of the most accepting, compassionate and selfless humans I know. That's definitely got to be one of my greatest achievements in life ❤

So instead, Eddie came over and we had cake and party food, minimal presents, video calls galore, and freedom to spend the day her way. And as a tucked her into bed that night and asked if she had had a good day, she nuzzled down with her blankie, grinned and said, "Mummy, it was the best birthday. I loved it. Thank you!"

And my heart was full once again. X

Each year I do a post just before Christmas reflecting on the year been. I kinda did that in my last post already, but it is my first day on holiday today, so of course my mind is letting everything in because it isn't distracted.

 I've been posting a lot more on social media lately. Since Olive has gotten bigger, I havent posted as much. I used to have something to say on the daily about her or the other kids, and now when I look back at my memories on Facebook, they pop up and give me a good laugh, or good feels. I stopped posting for quite a while but lately theres been a lot of things come up that make me realise how important it is to me.

 My hard drive from my old computer shit itself. I didnt back it up. So I've lost all of the kids photos from when Olive was a baby to about 2 years old. And stupidly, when I deactivated my Facebook all those years back, I deleted all the photos because I had no intention of coming back. But here I am, (surprise, surprise) and have nothing to show for it lol.

Now memories keep popping up, and it isnt just photos that get me. Its comments from people who've passed away. It's comments from friends who I cherish but have drifted away from. And it's definitely, definitely the photos. Photos keep emerging of Dad, in particular, from before he was unwell.

And it is hitting me right in the heart.

To see him well, compared to now, brings it all home. You can't help but compare how he looked two years ago to now. It is actually really interesting how a psychological disease can manifest in a physical way. You can SEE the illness in him now. You can see he is unwell.

We know dementia is going to take our Dad. We don't know when, or how long he has. And the memories are a stark reminder of that fact and of how quickly it is happening. But they are also a reminder of the person he is, and the life he has lived.

 So I've been trying to take more photos and videos to look back on later. And once I started doing it, I realised - I should be doing this with everyone! Not just dad. And not just other people - myself too!
We aren't all going to be here forever, and one day someone is going to look back on those and cherish every single one.

 I've always been someone who likes to be in the moment and not consumed by my phone. Some of the best nights out are when there isnt a single photo! But photos are so precious in years to come. And I want to make more of a concerted effort to document those moments, THESE moments, that mean so much now, and in years to come.

 * * *

 The kids have done incredibly well at school this year, bringing home great marks and wonderful comments on their reports from all of their teachers. It's so hard to believe Olive will be Year 4 next year! It really feels like she just started. I have to really remind myself a lot that she isn't the baby girl I think she is, and she is growing up very quickly into an intelligent and clever young lady. She had her first crush this year and while I won't go into it too much so as not to embarrass her, i will say that ugh! The notes between the two were just adorable.

 Jaxon will be Year 10 next year and if this years results were anything to go by, i think he will do fantastically in preparation for NCEA the following year. I've been very impressed with the school he is at and he is really striving there. He's made a cool bunch of mates and gaining a lot more independence. He's even legal to babysit now! Yuss!

 Meisha has also done wonderfully - she is Year 8 next year, so last year at intermediate before she too will be off to high school. Insane. She has made some really great personal choices this year, which I'm ridiculously proud of her for. She knows her worth, and how she deserves to be respected and treated. It is heart warming to see her take bold steps towards ensuring she receives that treatment from others.

 I have finished my course and while I struggled with the second quarter time wise, I'm proud to say I brought in all A's for every subject. It was a great challenge for me, and that along with starting work has reminded me I am not just a mother and wife. I am my own person, and I am slowly getting to know that person again. It has been quite freeing to be honest, and I am excited to see what next year brings.
And so we are here on Christmas Eve. I have dropped the ball this last few months a fair bit in different areas, but I've been trying my damn best and will continue to do so. I'm off soon to finish my shopping and get everything in order. I am looking forward to spending Christmas Day with my family and Eddie's family. I can't wait to see the kids faces in the morning. It will be our first Christmas without Andrew. It may be our last Christmas with others. And so I will take all the photos, I will record all the videos. And I will continue to remember what Christmas magic is all about - the people and the love.
Merry Christmas everyone. Enjoy the moments x

Its 4.50am and I'm awake. Stupid anxiety is giving me insomnia. Funny how it creeps up on you huh?

 I dont recall a dream, but I woke up thinking of Andrew which set the tears off straight away and now I'm sitting here having a cry at almost 5am.

 For those who dont know, Andrew was my brother in law - Eddie's younger brother. He passed away very suddenly on August 3rd. We were supposed to have a birthday lunch on the Sunday but him and his partner mucked up the day and arrived at my in laws on the Saturday instead. They left that afternoon and he died not long after arriving home.

 He was a fucking top guy. First time I met him was not long after Ed and I started seeing each other. Eddie and his flatmates were having a party and as I arrived, there was this dude walking in in bright purple dress pants. We hit it off quickly and that first night we met, he opened up to me about his very difficult past. We never saw him as much as we should have and ultimately wanted to, but when we did he was always a barrel of laughs. He was a man of little words at times and would just give you a look sending you to fits of laughter coz he could nail a sentence in one look.

 My kids adored their Uncle Andrew. Despite not having kids of his own, he would always arrive at Christmas with gifts for the kids and a good Dad joke or two.

 He was set to marry his (amazing) partner Liana in October in a beautiful little chapel in Minniesdale. Instead, we held part of his funeral there. He is buried in the cemetery behind the chapel overlooking the harbour.

 There is so much more I could say about him, and about the difficult time since his passing, but since it includes lots of other people, it's not my place to publicize so widely. But I will never ever forget him and his cheeky smirk. The way he welcomed me into the family straight away. And the gift he gave me with his passing in friendship/sisterhood with Liana (love you, lady!) X

 ***

 My anxiety is pretty well controlled these days, and for the most part I don't have to face it much. I've overcome a lot of new hurdles for myself this year and I'm actually really proud of myself. Anyone that knows me closely knows that new situations scare the shit out of me. So I've surprised even myself with some of the stuff I've done this latter part of the year! 

With the kids all at school, being a stay at home mum wasnt exactly an actual thing for me anymore. So I wanted to do some things for ME, after almost 14 years of raising my children.

 In July, I decided to do my Level 4 Certificate in Business Administration with Accounting Strands. I was so nervous that I would have no clue what I was doing and that any intelligent brain cells had been obliterated by years of changing nappies.

Turns out, I still got it lol. I got A+ marks for the first quarter and even got 100% on a couple if my assignments. This second quarter wasn't quite as rewarding in that sense because I was time poor, but I still managed passes with an A and B+.

 In September I started a new job. I was offered a position at the YMCA and accepted, and then came up with every excuse under the sun as to why I shouldn't start - the main one being that I was offered a volunteer position at the same time writing people's life stories for Hospice. But I decided instead to go with the paid position and I'm so glad I did.

 I have met some AMAZING people. Some new friends who arent just work colleagues, but awesome people who I value being around. Theres always a good laugh going, and they truly brighten my day. Sup team! Haha.

 So I'm now a working, studying mum. My girls go to after school care or my absolutely amazing family help out. Jax is a back door key kid now and at almost 14 he loves it. My house is constantly a pig sty and I dont even care! For the first time in forever, cleaning is not my priority lol. Eddie and I are totally winging this both working thing and aside from not seeing each other some days, I think we are doing well. Maybe not quite smashing it, but we're getting there haha.

 So amongst all of this mentalness, Olives annual dermatology appointment has rolled around. It's this morning and I am a little nervous. She's gotten a couple of accidental slight sunburns if I'm being honest, and when these appointments roll up i find myself getting quite anxious. Theres never been any suspicious spots in the past, so I shouldn't worry really but then my stupid brain tells me that the good run has gone long enough now and something is bound to pop up. So I'm fighting that inner turmoil of 'she will be fine/this is the one where something will be wrong'. My logical mind knows not to worry unless theres something to worry about but the anticipation tells my anxiety to get worked up. So basically I'll just keep fighting myself till after the appointment.

 She's nervous too. She is getting more self conscious about her wee bod so the idea of getting naked for a doctor she cant remember because she only sees her once a year makes her a bit anxious too. And understandably too! Nobody likes getting nakey for the doctor. But off we will go, fingers crossed nothing sinister pops up. Wish us luck xo